Local Woman Friendzones Entirety of New York

“I JUST DON’T THINK OF YOU IN THAT WAY,” sounds through a megaphone in Grand Central Station this Tuesday. Miri Mogilevsky, 23, says she does not have the time or energy to devote to becoming romantically involved with the approximately 8.4 million individuals in the area.

As a Columbia graduate student in the school of social work, Mogilevsky has her studies and career in acute focus. “With my last semester in the spring and the job search coming up, I just can’t find it in myself to become attached to any of the hundreds of people I interact with every day.”

This came as a blow to many in the boroughs who entertained this possibility after positive interactions with the charming Mogilevsky. “She kindly gave me directions to Queens while I was on the subway!” says a local man, smiling in reminiscence. “I really thought we had something there. I hope when I’m lost again I can still receive her sage advice.”

“Aww, she’s so cute!” says a local barista. “She buys bagels all the time at my store!” News of the friendzoning spread quickly in the wake of Mogilevsky’s press release on her Brute Reason blog. The tone of the cafe took a somber note when news was shared earlier that day via sky writing:

ITS NOT YOU
ITS ME

Mogilevsky followed up this announcement with a plea for understanding that “friendship can be just as valuable as romantic relationships”. She also apologized for the lack of punctuation in the sky writing.

This marks the first time Mogilevsky has made her intentions clear on her romantic interest in the population of the Big Apple and on its prospects for dating her. This announcement was likely a response to the Bronx Incident in which the legislature, spurred by public unrest, asked Miri out to dinner at Yankee Stadium.

Mogilevsky closed her press release: “It’s just that I’m more comfortable with friendships with those around me. Expectations are lower about spending physical time together, especially when there are so many, many, many of you.”

“But we can chat on Facebook sometime.”

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